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Title: new-dumped by a narcissist?
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lydiaa
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Posts: 1

(Date Posted:09/16/2009 10:27 PM)

Hi- 
I'm new to this group. I've been told that I have for sure been emotionally abused, most likely by a narcissist. Will you guys help me out ? The quizzes all sounded like him. But I'd love some second opinions to confirm I'm not just crazy. I will try to describe him in as short of a way as I can. He's very charming and FUN. We were great friends before we dated. I loved him he was so funny, gave him my virginity, ect. He would talk about marriage, ect. But then he started getting mean. He would go out with his friends and randomly ignore me. He would get PISSED at me for crying. He would act really quiet and withdrawn and just never even talk about his life. (Except he was sooo outgoing in social situations). He would snap at me. He would love me so much and then dump me or "need a break". He would get mad and jealous when I went out with my friends and then the next day he would WANT me to go out with my friends because he felt like I was "too dependent on him" and that I "made him feel guilty for going out without me". He would be sooo mean to me when he was drunk. It was like he was a different person. He'd get mad when he had to walk me home or something cause I didn't want to walk 4 blocks in the dark. We would have great sex then he'd randomly want to stop having it, hardly at all. He didn't really like to kiss me , at all , after the first 2 months. He watches an awful lot of TV and would rather do that than talking it feels like. He'd just have random outbursts. Honestly he was loving and caring too though. It is so weird!!! 
And If I ever left him he'd literally come CRAWLING back. One time he didn't date anybody for a year because he was "sorry for treating me like ****, had changed, loved me and wanted to marry me".EVentually I got back together with him then sure enough 3 months later he dumped me. And when he dumps me, he is COLD. Doesn't even care that Im crying. Although the most recent time he did admit to me he has huge issues and doesn't know what's wrong with him. The real kicker is: everybody loves him. He's always the center of attnetion , fun guy. (Although lots of the attention he gets is him being a raging wild stupid drunk). He's also very smart and will be successful. Nobody would even picture his abuse. So it makes me think it's me?! IS he a narcissist? Here are a couple examples: 

One time, I had to leave early from his family lake vacation cuz for work. I ended up almost dying in a tornado. He ended up FALLING ASLEEP before he even knew if I made it home safely. Then when I did make it home he acted mad for 2 days. Finally, he admitted he was mad bc : 
-i left early and I shouldn't have (but it was for work!?) 
- I cut him off the phone to talk to my roomate (bc she had the tv radar ( I was in a tornado) in front of her and he was at the lake) 
- "I was obviously having more fun there than at the lake w/ him and his family" 

Another example: 
I made a comment bc he was flirting with a bartender (a half naked one). He got mad at me. I go to the bathroom and sure enough he LEFT the bar, without me, took a cab home 20 minutes away. Wouldn't answer my phone calls then his friend called and he answered. I brought allll my friends it was so embarrassing to tell them he up and left. Then his roomate lets me in and he's eating taco bell on the couch like nothing had happened. 

Another: 
(when I was telling him not to contact me when we were broken up) 
He shows up at my house. My roomates lie and say I'm not home. He drives home 2 hours DRUNK and calls me and says if he gets a dui or dies it's my fault. 

Another: He accidently set his face on fire with vodka and fire. Calls me and says if I would have come watch the super bowl with him it wouldn't have happened. He calls and yells at me for this while his roommate takes him to the ER. He then tortures me the entire week to go see him even though i had about 3 interviews and 5 tests. He cussed me out ect because I wouldn't go "visit" him, even though we weren't dating and he was so rude and blamed it on me. 

Another: He would tell me that I "Make him feel guilty if he goes out with his friends." 

Another: One time I tried to make him dinner. 
Him: "can you bring the stuff over here to make it?" 
me: "well I kinda have a lot of stuff can we just do it here in my kitchen?" (we live an aptmt away from each other) 
Him: LIVID. "I just don't understand why it is so hard to bring your stuff over here." 
me: "Woah what is wrong? I'm sorry there is just a lot of stuff!" 
him: "Well I'm leaving on a business trip in two days and I kinda just want to do what I want to do before that and no offense but just sitting around in your aptmt while you're making dinner just doesn't sound like that much fun. I'm sorry there's just not a lot to do there and I like being here with my stuff in my comfort zone." 


Help? IdeaS? Anything? I would appreciate it!! 
usertype:6
Sankaku
1# 



Posts:5

Re:new-dumped by a narcissist?
(Date Posted:05/18/2010 3:49 AM)

 Adorable lil munchkin ain't he... lol

sorry about that, your story is just too familiar with my best-friend's. His girlfriend anyway, and I had to pick up the pieces every time. Most of the time his girlfriend would call me crying, of course I couldn't tell the guy because that would end into him throwing another tantrum. Doesn't seem like a narcissist to me, just an old-fashioned ass. :P
then again, i'm no expert. It's funny that your not bitchin him...


usertype:3 tt= 0

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femfree
2# 



Posts:486

RE:new-dumped by a narcissist?
(Date Posted:05/18/2010 6:23 AM)

Hi Lydiaa: 

Your guy is I believe potentially dangerous. His only reason for coming back to you after you dumped him was so he could win and dump you. An N HAS to WIN.

And, when you had the interviews and tests and obviously had a life then this narcissist had to break you down so that you give him exclusive use of your time - you must put him first and foremost always.

Yes, others will be only his charming face, but you were targeted by him and know his other side.

What to do? Let him think he's won and is better off without you.

Here's the time proven way to do it:



How to Leave a Narcissist. The narcissist analyses (and internalizes) everything in terms of blame and guilt, superiority and inferiority, gain (victory) and loss (defeat) and the resulting matrix of narcissistic supply. Narcissists are binary contraptions. Thus, the formula is very simple: Shift the blame to yourself ("I don't know what happened to me, I have changed, it is my fault, I am to blame for this, you are constant, reliable and consistent). Tell him you feel guilty (excruciatingly so, in great and picturesque detail). Tell him how superior he is and how inferior you feel. Make this separation your loss and his absolute, unmitigated gain. Convince him that he is likely to gain more supply from others (future women?) than he ever did or will from you. BUT Make clear that your decision - though evidently "erroneous" and "pathological" - is FINAL, irrevocable and that all contact is to be severed henceforth. And never leave ANYTHING in writing.
Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List - Part 35 by Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/archive35.html


Take Care and be safe!!
femfree

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usertype:1 tt= 0

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"Why does he treat me so bad? Then it hit me - why was I allowing it?"

fuzzycat
3# 



Posts:2

Re:new-dumped by a narcissist?
(Date Posted:01/01/2011 10:55 AM)

  I can't figure out mine either, he seem to be a bit of all. What struck me was his lack of concern for you, for me waves red flags..My ex, whatever, was like that, he could act concerned if it made him look good but in reality he had none.
   I was being wheeled in for surgery and he was so busy trying to impress the nurses he didn't even notice.
 No matter what they are we are better off without them.
  I don't know if you are still on the side here, where ever you are I hope you are happy.
  Fuzzy
usertype:6 tt= 0
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