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Title: No Remorse
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Posts: 712

(Date Posted:09/14/2012 6:20 PM)

One of the many things that is so difficult to process post N is the total lack of remorse for the damage and devastation that they  caused us. Instead they simply move on as though we never existed or smear us to others in order to justify their treatment of us.

Oh how they suffered with that needy, insecure, cold bitch!

 There is no remorse. There is no apology, at least not a meaningful one, and there is no closure.
Instead the victims sit back in shock, shattered from the abruptness of it all, trying to wrap the idea that the N never loved them around their heads.

Narcissists know the difference between right and wrong but the fact is they don't care. They do not have a conscience,
the complex of ethical and moral principles that controls or inhibits the actions or thoughts of an individual.

Rules, manners and common decency are meant for other people but do not apply to the N who is of course special and above us all. They are bankrupt in this area.

If the N must hurt or cheat someone and they always do,it is always the victim's fault and there is no remorse or regret.

To the narcissist all others are objects for the sole purpose of gaining narcissistic supply, nothing more. Do we feel remorse when we trade our car in for a new one? Do we shed tears when we remodel our kitchens or buy a new appliance? This is how the narcissist sees us, as a disposable object.




RE:No Remorse
(Date Posted:09/14/2012 6:39 PM)

This is so true.

As much as I hate the fact that it took me those extra couple of years to really, truly understand this (the years I lost my daughter) I do know that my understanding and believing this 150% has massively helped my healing process.  I am such a better, stronger, and happier person now than I was when we split the first time.  It sucks that it took so long but I'm so glad that it happened.

My children and I are nothing more than stories he'll use to get more supply.  We do not even exist to him in any kind of reality.  I believe that with ever fiber of my being and it has helped me stay NC to know that. 
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RE:No Remorse
(Date Posted:09/14/2012 8:00 PM)

I know this is true too is hard for me to fully grasp.  I repeat to myself that I never, not once, meant anything to the xnh but I'm not sure it's truly sunk into the deepest parts of my soul.  That and, that he obviously never loved me.  Heck, he didn't even like me and to know that he never thought of me past the thoughts you would when your toaster breaks and you're ready to have a bagel!  I really just want to know all of this things, without a doubt and to stop questioning it all.  It truly is so hard to wrap my brain around all the significance I gave to our relationship...those special things that only he and I could share, etc......then to have to come to terms with....NONE of it mattered to him.'s a hard thing to face and accept.  How could I have spent 15 years doing this with someone that probably doesn't even know and/or remember my middle name?!!!
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RE:No Remorse
(Date Posted:09/14/2012 8:18 PM)

MLovinLife wrote: "I know this is true too is hard for me to fully grasp.  I repeat to myself that I never, not once, meant anything to the xnh but I'm not sure it's truly sunk into the deepest parts of my soul.  That and, that he obviously never loved me."

Yes, I still struggle with this, too. The ex narc husband was so convincing at times that he really cared. Unlike many others here, he did not criticize, or call names, or do the silent treatment or anything like that. Oh, he lied and cheated and ignored me and used me and didn't care about me, that's for sure. But it was more covert with him.

Definitely not a speck of remorse though. When we tried to get back together, he was angry that I didn't get over his cheating immediately, and he would threaten to leave me if I didn't forgive him faster. I know that he felt absolutely no remorse for his cheating, to him, it was something he was entitled to do, it was fun and exciting.

He feels no remorse for the financial devastation, because he blames me for that. He feels no remorse for basically abandoning his family to "pursue his dreams" because he blames me for abandoning HIM. He feels no remorse when he doesn't pay child support, because he thinks I should take care of everything and he shouldn't have to pay anything at all.

I often think of something my brother said when he found out I was reconciling with the narc:
"Em, not only does he not love you, or even like you, he HATES  you." My brother was right.

It is so difficult to understand their complete lack of love, of empathy, of remorse. They are like reptiles in that regard, just a cold, unfeeling brain.

Because most of them are so good at FAKING love and emotion, we are left completely stunned, confused and unable to grasp what happened.
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RE:No Remorse
(Date Posted:09/14/2012 8:25 PM)


I think it helps me to look at it like this. I think he did love me as much as HE could love anyone.  I am not sure but I think N THINK they do love.  Its just that it is all about supply for them and if they can have someone else fill that they can move on in a blink of an eye.  Which just tells us that they are not capable of the love that we desire or require.


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RE:No Remorse
(Date Posted:09/14/2012 9:44 PM)

There was only one time I felt like the N would have cared if I'd died.  When we had the flood and were both stuck in different places and had to be rescued when I got brought to our friends house by the police he grabbed me and hugged me as tightly as he could.  But this was after he'd went back to bed and ignored the fact that the flood was coming till I woke him and told him there was water coming into the house.  I remember thinking what a fake he was.  He kept saying how he'd refused the firemen's help till they told him someone was getting me, but I don't think I believe that.  My disillusionment was a long time coming... I think you'll all get there too in time.

That man never deserved my loyalty, or my love.  
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RE:No Remorse
(Date Posted:09/15/2012 1:08 AM)

I agree completly with mloveinlife:

I know this is true too is hard for me to fully grasp.  I repeat to myself that I never, not once, meant anything to the xnh but I'm not sure it's truly sunk into the deepest parts of my soul.

Very often I don't get it. How is it possible that someone who has a incredible sens for right and wrong could never say words like: Sorry or Thank you.
stxN had never any remorse that I take the burden to go to work all the time while he made some free lance jobs and played angry bird or write in his super stupid blog or shows pictures from his daylilfe on eyeem (with a lof of followers who like every single @@@@@@ eemmm shot from him).
He had not once said something like: Thank you for working so regularly. Or: Sometimes I feel bad that you earn so much more than me and I cannot really support us financally.


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