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Title: My first hoover
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GemmaSimone
 Author    



Posts: 29

(Date Posted:03/08/2013 2:02 PM)

So today I open my email and there is a message from Linked In - the N wants to connect with me.

I have become more visible in her world, and I look successful and attractive in videos on youtube -

So is this a hoover? It has been 6 years. I would rather stab my eyes out, and believe me I am not going to respond - you have all trained me well : ) 

It's not like talking to a person - it is talking to s disease - and they don't come around unless they want something.

I was lower than low. I had nothing.  I have built mself a life - I went back to school, got a job in a major corporation and have done lots of other things I never thought I would do.

I will never feed a monster again.

Anyway - this is a hoover, right?
Thanks all for your continued support.
usertype:6
Echo4
1# 



Posts:711

RE:My first hoover
(Date Posted:03/08/2013 5:03 PM)

Yes Gemma, this is a hoover alright!

I am glad you are not going to respond.

The N is doing this for one of two reasons:

1. To see if you can be sucked backed in so you can be cruelly discarded again.


                                          or

2. Because the N feels envy over your new success and life and would like to knock you down emotionally thus proving once again that he/she has all the power and control.


Both of the above scenarios involve huge SUPPLY for the N which in reality is the only thing that matters to them and is what motivates all of their behaviors.

There is no end to these people and when supply is low and as long as they think there is a drop of supply left to be sqeezed out of us they will resurface every now and then.

I hope this does not cause you a set back or make you doubt.

Echo
usertype:6 tt= 0
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GemmaSimone
2# 



Posts:29

RE:My first hoover
(Date Posted:03/08/2013 5:44 PM)

Thanks, Echo.

The second scenario sounds likely. She wants to be able to flaunt me, I imagine, and also make me feel small. What a sicko.

Screw her, seriously. never again.


usertype:6 tt= 0
HearMeRoar1
3# 



Posts:284

RE:My first hoover
(Date Posted:03/08/2013 7:09 PM)

Gem, you rock!    So happy you're not falling for her crap.

I think you're absolutely right in your assessment.   Obviously, the possibility exists big time that her relationship is on the skids.  She's seeing if she might possibly get you back.



(Message edited by HearMeRoar1 On 03/08/2013 7:11 PM)
usertype:6 tt= 0
GemmaSimone
4# 



Posts:29

RE:My first hoover
(Date Posted:03/08/2013 7:14 PM)

Thanks, HMR.  I'm sure she is running low on supply. The woman she was with before me was a hoover - she had been with her for 5 years, discarded her for five years and then was with her again for 7 years , so this is a pattern. 

I am ignoring completely.
usertype:6 tt= 0
Ex-member
5# 



RE:My first hoover
(Date Posted:03/09/2013 6:25 AM)

So do you guys believe they always come back? I stopped the contact between us, he was manipulating me , rubbing his new supply in my face saying things like SHE LOOKS AFTER ME!  SHE SAYS I'M SPECIAL... I GUESS I LOVE HER...
WE HAVEN'T ARGUED NOT ONCE!  

He also said to me I don't love him, I NEED HIM!!!! Funny that, now I think back & see that what ever they blame you for is exactly what they are thinking or doing themselves.  
My ex N blames me for leaving him once, because I found someone on Facebook, we started talking. He felt I was  distancing from him, he hacked into to my email accounts & Facebook accounts. And went berserk! 
But had he treated me better I wouldn't have spoken to another guy. He had hit me & abused me. He threw me & my kid out of his apartment  with our stuff around 12 times, we never even  lived there.  We just visited some weekends. If that's not bad enough it was in front of his two kids. Who used to tell us to get out too. He was so dam evil I called him heartless. So I recon when he discarded me it was revenge, because he did it in the way I left him but more in my face. I felt guilty of leaving him god knows why?
He just told me it was my fault I pushed him away. He has made me look like I'm the bad one because I cheated on him, lucky the guy I spoke to was in another country. But didn't matter his mum still called me a prostitute lol.
The four & half years was a roller coaster, but the real fact is I don't want him back. I want to see him grovel back so I can tell him I DON'T NEED YOU LIKE ALWAYS SAID I DID , IM DOING A HELL OF LOT BETTER WITHOUT YOU. 
Now every birthday or celebration don't get ruined, I don't cry every weekend. The mental & psychical abuse has stopped. The scars are still there. He still phones every month or two months. I never answer. I know he stalks my facebook too. But he is not my friend on there.  I was always psychically & mentally ill whilst with him, he drained my soul.
But you no what guys when I left him , he said he always used to listen to these two songs!
 
SOMEONE LIKE YOU- Adele
WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND -Beyonce
  
So I Sent him this song when I last spoke to him

JAR OF HEARTS- Christina perry
Echo4
6# 



Posts:711

RE:My first hoover
(Date Posted:03/09/2013 7:28 AM)

Gemsss,

You ask if we believe they always come back.

This is what I believe, bear with my analogy here:

A narcissist is like somebody who lives in a desert. He must find and drink water to stay alive. He is always in search of fresh water but never forgets where his old water holes are just in case he is running dry and getting very thirsty. When the thirst is great enough he will drink from a mud puddle or swamp just for sustenance.

So do they come back sometimes or do they hoover us? The answer is yes and sometimes it takes years.

The N lives in an emotional desert and cannot exist without supply. He depends on those around him to support and validate the false self that he presents to the outside world. When supply is low the N is very threatened because he lacks the internal ability to prop himself up or feel real. Without a mirror or an audience he is nothing.

It is important for us to recognize that if the N does hoover us or attempt to re-enter our lives. it has nothing to do with us, our attractiveness or the value of our past relationship with the N. It is only about supply and whether he can get some from us.

I know you and many others have wished for the day that the N would come crawling back so we could tell them to get lost, but the truth is, you can't win with the N. To him you are nothing but a possible supply source.

Going back to my desert analogy: Sometimes the N who once saw you as a dried up water hole or mud puddle now sees you has a powerful waterfall..........and in this case may be envious as well as thirsty and may try to come back to SUCK YOU DRY again and then discard you once more.
 Echo


(Message edited by Echo4 On 03/09/2013 7:29 AM)
usertype:6 tt= 0
Ex-member
7# 



RE:My first hoover
(Date Posted:03/09/2013 9:41 AM)

Some articles I have read say, the N ego is too big to come back. But I see how they always have a plan B. 
he always played me with his ex wife saying she still wants him back. 
The thing is I owe him money echo, I still ain't payed him back, after he left I was going through hell as you know. 
Depression got worse, took me 3 months to get out of room & eat again lost 8 kilos. 
My daughter who was 11 was helping me. Not that I'm proud of this I am deeply ashamed I let him ruin me.
So I feel he has always got a reason to come back because money I owe him right?

I am now looking into getting a job again, & pay him bit by bit. If I don't he will always be there!

 You know what's really sick he was telling me how much he still missed me sexually, I regret the day I stepped into that family. 
I seem to attract toxic men, I admit I am definitely codependent , as they are the best target for them!
Ex-member
8# 



RE:My first hoover
(Date Posted:03/09/2013 9:44 AM)

That's very interesting echo, you have a lot of knowledge thanks :)
Ex-member
9# 



RE:My first hoover
(Date Posted:03/09/2013 9:46 AM)

Would you agree with what I wrote that my ex is a N? I have been told he may have traits, but I think it's beyond that.
Echo4
10# 



Posts:711

RE:My first hoover
(Date Posted:03/09/2013 10:08 AM)

Gemsss,

He is likely a narcissist or sociopath but I am not a clinical psychologist so I can't diagnose.

The important thing we can agree on is that he disordered and toxic to you.

How much money do you owe him?

I am thinking if its not worth him going to court for, forget about it.

It is best to cut off all ties with them for the sake of your healing and sanity.

For a long time after my divorce the N and I owed a property together that was for sale but would not sell because of the economy. Even though I had realtors and lawyers deal with him I was still having contact with him by proxy and it upset me and made me sick.

Once the property finally sold (at a loss) after 3 years I started to feel better.

Echo
usertype:6 tt= 0
GemmaSimone
11# 



Posts:29

RE:My first hoover
(Date Posted:03/09/2013 10:15 AM)

The most important thing for me, is never to respond. Never, ever give her anything.  Everything they do is a manipulation.  I'm sure she will become the victim because I have ignored her "loving" gesture.  She will bleet to her firends that she wants to help me, that I am now just doing what she kept encouraging me to do all along, etc etc  She just wants to co-opt my life and success, suck on it for a while, like a dog that chews on a bone.

She would do this weird thing with gum.  She would pop out a piece and chew it for about 5 minutes, and get that first shock of flavor, and then take it out and pop in a fresh one, and chew that, over and over until the whole pack was gone. I know it's a metaphor - but she would actually sit there and do it while watching TV.

My life was just another wad of gum.

Love your life and love yourself - don't get stuck to the bottom of a shoe.
usertype:6 tt= 0
Ex-member
12# 



RE:My first hoover
(Date Posted:03/09/2013 10:47 AM)

You both seem a lot more positive & strong now. I believe I'm half way there.  If I stopped dreaming of him. It would really help :(
Ex-member
13# 



RE:My first hoover
(Date Posted:03/09/2013 10:49 AM)

I owe him 4.500 uk pounds.  He only helped me out so he could be more in control of me. He even wanted to put my mobile fone bill under his name.  Good job i never let him. I think they do this so that we depend on them more. I know he is revengeful too. So I am very worried. He once threatened to show a pic of me naked on Facebook. So I don't want to threaten him. 
But I am not silly I have a recorded voice clip with him throwing me out flat, as he hit me. Pictures of  us two, with bruises on my arms. Every time he calls I take pictures of missed calls, I need this back up. He probably makes out I'm stalking him. He had the cheek to ask if one of my sick cats had died. They thrive off you suffering!i stopped talking in September. He never thought I could stop the contact but I did. He told me to not see anyone & should concentrate on my daughter. Cheeky a hole excuse me.

GemmaSimone
14# 



Posts:29

RE:My first hoover
(Date Posted:03/15/2013 10:02 AM)

Well it has been a week since this happened, and I have had some interesting reactions to it.  I realized that I actually dreamt about it before it happened, although the dream was in code. Also, my therapist helped me to recognize that  discard/hoover behavior is how my father and stepmother have treated me. I am also avoiding their latest maneuver as well. Amazing how these borderlines are so much alike.

I went into my Linked In page to delete the request and I was gripped with fear that tI would mistakenly hit the wrong button and I would end up acquiescent and connected to her again. I hit that IGNORE button straight on and she went away. I honored myself. I am not fodder.  My recovery has been an arduous and lengthy process. On top of that, I'm about to graduate from school.  When you have spent years and years of your life rebuilding yourself, slogging day after day to work, to class, to the library...do you think I'm going to give up an ounce of that to an N??!!  Not to mention all the artistic risks I've taken.
NO! NO! NO!!

I remember the N telling me that she had gotten back together with one of her previous LTR's after a 5 year break because the N felt that her LTR had overcome a lot of the issues that drove them apart - that the LTR had grown. HA!  I'm sure she wants to take some sort of credit for my achievements. 

And I'm sure by ignoring her she tells herself I'm just not able to love or some crazy rationalization that makes her the victim.

Who knows and who cares what crazzy, assy people think??!!

You can have all sorts of people sucking up to you because of your notoriety...but you can't have me!!
YEA!!!

usertype:6 tt= 0
HearMeRoar1
15# 



Posts:284

RE:My first hoover
(Date Posted:03/15/2013 1:09 PM)

Regardless of what you did or didn't do with her attempt, she'll make it out that she is the victim here anyway.  You are wise to honor yourself. 

usertype:6 tt= 0
the_other_sugarkat
16# 



Posts:76

RE:My first hoover
(Date Posted:03/15/2013 6:42 PM)

Hi Gemma,

I agree with all that's been said.

She sees your light shining, and she wants to bask in it.

Whatever relationship she had is on the rocks.

You are starting to "look good" to her again.

Good for you for being strong.

Six years, they really have no concept of time, do they?

This is my worst fear.  My life is going really well, but once in a while I'll have a near-panic attack that he is going to try to contact me.

I am so happy you have found success and happiness, Gemma.  Ignore this latest thing with N and get back to business!  

smiley8
usertype:6 tt= 0
HearMeRoar1
17# 



Posts:284

RE:My first hoover
(Date Posted:03/16/2013 8:21 AM)

I'm going to start another thread as a spin-off of this one -- don't want to hijack this one, but it brings up another thought......
usertype:6 tt= 0
GemmaSimone
18# 



Posts:29

RE:My first hoover
(Date Posted:03/29/2013 11:29 AM)

Hi all.

Today I got a message of Linked In that N has been looking at my profile. She must be hunting for supply or something. 
The idea of meeting up with her is seriously upsetting for me. I have a new therapist that specilaizes in personality disorders and she said, "Yup - sociopath" when I told her some of my story.

I finally feel like my life is not defined by that awful thing that happened to me, by the denial I was in for so long.  I have taken pains to surround myself with healthy people, and I will never give that up, ever.

usertype:6 tt= 0
HearMeRoar1
19# 



Posts:284

RE:My first hoover
(Date Posted:03/29/2013 5:13 PM)

I wonder if she's split with The Perfect One or if she's merely getting bored. 

I'm right there with you, Gem -- either a person is healthy, respectful and kind, or they are simply no part of my life.  It's nice to have come to that realization and it feels GREAT! 

usertype:6 tt= 0
GemmaSimone
20# 



Posts:29

RE:My first hoover
(Date Posted:04/07/2013 12:11 PM)

Hi my friends.

I had another interesting dream.  I am walking out into a parking stucture - the sort you see at the mall - and in the distance I see N has a van decorated with her image, etc, like one of those promotional vans that radio stations have, decorated with the images of pop stars, etc
The side doors are slid open and I can see inside is just more of the promotional, glamourized photos. (Have you ever known someone who used professional photos of themselves so retouched they didn't look like them? That's N.)

So - I am walking her way and I see N coming toward me but she keeps going past me, and embraces someone behind me, a young woman with olive skin and short dark hair.  They begin walking toward the van. The young woman seems needful and insecure N is advising and caring for her. (HA!)

She walked by me because I am not susceptible - and whoever this is behind me, buys into her BS and is headed for the brainwashing van. 

There are lots of people who admire N - and she is all over social media - so she can troll and get supply. Even if you are the ONE - there is someone right behind you willing to give her what she wants if you won't.

My Dr. said, "I'm worried about that woman" when I mentioned N had been with OW for 6 years. I guess it is a therapist's place to be concerned - I however am not concerned about her.  She broke up my r/s and her own to be the ONE. Karma come to all of us.

I am taking a social media break.  I am experiencing lots of anxiety online, so I am going to write affirmations when I want to look around, and I downloaded an addictive stupid game for my phone when I want to do something fun (Candy Crush Saga)

Be well everyone and remember - NC is essential - the greatest gift - and will restore your life.
usertype:6 tt= 0
Echo4
21# 



Posts:711

RE:My first hoover
(Date Posted:04/08/2013 4:20 PM)

Gemma,
Dreams are very powerful and if we take time to consider them they can tell a lot.

Yours is spot on! I believe the van in your dream represented social media and how she is able to make herself appear.

I am sorry that you have been feeling uncomfortable lately and that she has viewed your linkedin site.....this kind of stuff tends to get our wheels turning all over again.

It is good that you are going to take a break from social media.

Echo
usertype:6 tt= 0
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