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Title: How to be involved with a narcissist
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femfree
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Posts: 486

(Date Posted:01/13/2009 10:50 AM)


How to be involved with a narcissist

http://romancelessons.blogspot.com/2006/04/how-to-be-involved-with-narcissist.html


I get asked this alot. How to you be in a relationship with a narcissist at best is difficult. My honestly advice, is to stop. End that relationship, end it as soon as possible. I can't emphasize that no one needs to be in a relationship with a narcissist. Narcissists by nature aren't capable of normal relationships. Do not full yourself into thinking that you can do anything to make the relationship worthwhile, or have any qualities that a relationship with any normal person.

It is a difficult realization that this person you are involved with, isn't a full person. This person at best only projects what they want you to see. They will project that as long as you give them your attention, and they do not feel threatened by the close relationship. Keep in mind, like any great movie with a long run, eventually that movie will stop playing. When it does, your time is up. Do not think for an instant that there is anything you can do, think, feel, or say that will change your run with this person. When they decide its over, end it, and don't look back. If you continue to engage in the relationship, they will only toy with you for entertainment. Stop, and get off that ride, its heart breaking.

Chances are this person will be a completely different person in a relationship with the next person. He will change and morph into what he thinks will get him the best result. You have to realize any relationship that comes on as strong as this as this one did, should be a warning sign. This should be a warning sign that screams out as much as one ever could. Does this person act like everything you ever wanted? Run. A narcissist will morph and change into what he thinks you want. You will be lied and manipulated by someone who has had a lifetime of experience at it. Most people are fooled by this for awhile, don't feel bad if you missed the signs that this person was someone you should have ran from.

If you not married to this person, if you have no children, and no other attachments with this person. Drop them like a hot rock. Eventually they will turn on you. They will attempt to destroy you and play you like you have never been played before. Keep in mind lying to you, manipulating your schedule, finances, and anything else for that matter means nothing to them. The narcissist, simply does not understand or have the capability to understand that other people are real people too.

If this is not the circumstance, and you are tied to this person, by legal matters, I will address what can help in another posting. Truly, if you can, get out this relationship as fast as possible. Run, simply run. You will have to untangle yourself from this relationship. It won't be easy, it will be difficult, just as ending any other relationship. You will heal from this relationship, it will be more difficult than other relationships, you will be better off ending it as soon as possible.

usertype:1

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"Why does he treat me so bad? Then it hit me - why was I allowing it?"

ArielRoseS
1# 



Posts:1

Re:How to be involved with a narcissist
(Date Posted:01/17/2009 5:40 AM)

Thank you very much for this post. This is my first time here and, though I know something about narcissism, I am in pain from repeated attacks from various narcissists in my life and still have healing to do, surface and deep. I was starting to explore this board to see where I could hang out and yours is the first and only post I have read. 
 
It really helped to read your post and which absolutely fits my latest narcissist, a woman from a group I am in who suddenly acted like my friend and, just as suddenly, after a couple of months, has dropped me via the most callous and personally nasty email. In the normal way of reasoning, it is hard to see why I antagonised her. But then narcissists operate differently, don't they? I think she decided she couldn't get enough returns out of me and, though I am not demanding, I guess I did bring my presence to bear in her space instead of just being a placid "cow" to be milked when it suited her.

More than anything, your email helped me see even more clearly how I should be grateful she dropped me. But the pain is still lingering at the moment as I hoped she would be my friend though I did see and not the warning signs. 
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femfree
2# 



Posts:486

RE:How to be involved with a narcissist
(Date Posted:01/17/2009 8:49 AM)

Hi and Welcome ArielRoseS

You were 'devalued and discarded' by this N for likely one reason - you were smart and on to her. She knew that you would see her abusive behaviour, so she did that pre-emptive thing of devaluing you first. This is very typical of the personality disordered and a very ingrained trait in their behavior.

You wrote...
I guess I did bring my presence to bear in her space instead of just being a placid "cow" to be milked when it suited her.


She knew that you would not put up with her tactics so she cut you off cold. That's what they do. You're a sharp and shrewd woman to have caught on to her so quickly - only a few months.

All I can suggest is that you don't respond to her emails. right now, you have her being abusive to you. However, they lay bait such as her email hoping to engage you in a conversation (email) exchanges as you try to smooth things over. However, what they do is to go around to other people saying that you are being nasty to her.

I'm glad you're here. Pat yourself on the back for spotting her characteristics.

Welcome again
femfree
usertype:1 tt= 0

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"Why does he treat me so bad? Then it hit me - why was I allowing it?"

Guest
3# 



RE:How to be involved with a narcissist
(Date Posted:01/18/2009 8:15 AM)

I separated for good 6mnths ago and then he totally lost it which was terrifying and helpful!
To see his true colours for once and help give me a 'real' reason to justify my decision.

I see so much of what all your site has to say in him.
He is not all demon though. He really wants to be the fantasy of my husband and our daughters father and a socially competent member of the human race.

He has moments of lucidness where he recognises that he is hopelessly dysfunctional.
I am truly sorry for him, he's like a tormented soul.
I watch him run himself ragged to gain healing, knowing that he is fundamentally incapable of perceiving or applying it.

(It is like pouring water into a sieve but..)
I have explained that I will not ever return to him ( regardless of his efforts to 'improve' or win me back) because it is cruel of us to expect the other to change so much. Accept we have irreconcilable differences and move on into lives that fit us better.

He will have none of it. Simply wont take no for an answer (our 'irreconcilable differences' in a nutshell!)

His first reaction was a tantrum - 'Good, you're actually doing me a favour. Now I can go find someone who really loves me.'
He followed by tearing up saying 'It's just I'm a masochist, I'm in love with you.'

I don't feel the addictive pull of great sex and love towards him. He has scared me so bad that I'm cured of that.

I do repeatedly dream that my mate and I become separated immed after marriage and spend years of unrequited love searching for one another.
The happy ending is where we meet in a crowd and it's as if we never parted. I love that dream.
The sad ending is where we bump into each other and regret we didnt just keep hopefully searching, because infact, the reality sucks.

The choice for my mental health and pleasure on this earth is; where possible to live in peace with all men. His condition makes that impossible.

In the absence of a miracal cure for him - Am I condemned to have to dodge his bullets and fight his manipulations for years and years until our 6yr old comes of age to establish a private relationship with her father and I choose No Contact.

Every interaction contains possible alterior motive so I must be on guard.
Most interaction is spent with me fighting in defence of my wishes.
Any advice?

Thanks Kim























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spiritfree
4# 



Posts:7

Re:How to be involved with a narcissist
(Date Posted:01/18/2009 9:44 AM)

Hi.... coming to this new forum as I have been away for a long while.  I have been for the past ten years trying NOT to be involved with a Narcissist.  I have come full circle.  I am now having to learn how again to be involved with a Narcissist as I have two children coming of age and was not able to protect them from the abuse.  The traits I am now recognizing in my children are unmistakeable.  I can only hope that what I see is more nuture than nature.... and that somehow I may be able to undo some of the harm.   

spiritfree

usertype:6 tt= 0
femfree
5# 



Posts:486

RE:How to be involved with a narcissist
(Date Posted:01/18/2009 10:37 AM)

Hi and Welcome Spritfree.

We have lots and lots of information.

If you're looking for information on how to deal with them, I recommend:

Engaging the Enemy
http://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i79/femfree/DesignSets/beigesweetdesignhandstrip.jpg


This is our newest site here and not active because it's not been announced yet. Because MSN is closing = our message board relocated here a couple of months ago:

NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY
http://www.runboard.com/bnarcissisticabuserecovery

I think that's your best bet and the message board is very active there and you'll get some responses.

Our 5 sites:
http://narcissisticpersonalitydisorder.aimoo.com/Our-Policy-Our-Websites-Relationship-and-Online-Safety-Read-Only/OUR-5-WEBSITES-1-229237.html


Our site here will grow, but for your needs, I do recommend our Narcissistic Abuse Recovery forum.

I know you'll get lots of help there.

Welcome again, we're glad you're here.

Take Care
femfree




usertype:1 tt= 0

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"Why does he treat me so bad? Then it hit me - why was I allowing it?"

femfree
6# 



Posts:486

RE:How to be involved with a narcissist
(Date Posted:01/18/2009 10:48 AM)

Hi Kim. (Guest)

I'm so thrilled that you are saying no to this narcissist. Yes, the tantrum is typical behaviour.

You wrote...
 Am I condemned to have to dodge his bullets and fight his manipulations for years and years until our 6yr old comes of age to establish a private relationship with her father and I choose No Contact.

The answer is yes.  You are likely court-ordered to have contact with him. The courts see the situation as keeping the child in touch with their father. Unless there is evidence of cruelty to that child (which warrants supervised visitation at the court's decision) you'll need to cope with him and yes, you'll need to learn the techniques of visitation.  We have page on the Tips and Traps of visitation here:

Tips and Traps
http://abuserecovery.synthasite.com/tips-and-traps.php

also, some really good information on Engaging the Enemy
http://abuserecovery.synthasite.com/bonus-1.php

Some of the best tactics are
1. all communication by email (insist on it for proof) Other than that, get caller ID and force him to leave messages.
2. he never comes into your house - never!!
3. be co-operativeabout visitation - the courts will go harsh on any parent who keep their child away from the other parent - this can cause lost custody altogether.

Bullying is one of the tactics they use - among lots of others, over 10 years we have assembled their tactics of verbal abuse

BullyProof Yourself
http://thenarcissistandpsychopath.synthasite.com/bullyproof-yourself.php

that will help you learn how they do such things as using statement instead of questions. You'll learn to reconize this and respond with "What is your question for me N?" and other tactics like "I'm sorry you feel that way." etc.

That is the best advice I have. You'll find more information on divorce/custody at our runboards Abuse Recovery blog site.

YOu mention that every action becomes confrontational, so I think it's best to learn to spot abusive questions and totally ignore them, all interaction via email (or a communication book which travels back and forth with the child at visitation) and responding only with a yes or no to their direct questions, strictly about the child/vistiation and learning to ignore everything else - Ns will try their best to provoke us into an angry response or get us into an argument so dont' take the bait.

Hope this helps
femfree 





usertype:1 tt= 0

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"Why does he treat me so bad? Then it hit me - why was I allowing it?"

femfree
7# 



Posts:486

RE:How to be involved with a narcissist
(Date Posted:01/22/2009 1:13 PM)

font check

(Message edited by femfree On 01/22/2009 1:36 PM)
usertype:1 tt= 0

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"Why does he treat me so bad? Then it hit me - why was I allowing it?"

Pin3
8# 



Posts:4

RE:How to be involved with a narcissist
(Date Posted:01/22/2009 7:27 PM)

Hi femfree,

I met you long ago, in 2000/2001, when the MSN NPD forum just started and you invited me. I was living in US that time and came back to Brazil to be really far from my ex-husband. I've been N free since that time... well, almost. There are always other Ns hunting around. That is why i never left this board.

I still feel me a little unsure when writing in English since I haven't talk in this language anymore, but i guess everybody will be able to understand me.

I'm glad because i saw the advice at msn forum and was able to join this one. Now I can be here and talk to you all again.

Pin
usertype:6 tt= 0
femfree
9# 



Posts:486

RE:How to be involved with a narcissist
(Date Posted:04/03/2009 9:11 PM)

Hi Pin. Just saw your note today. It got overlooked. Sorry. Glad you're back with us now. Hope everything is well with you.

Take Care
femfree
usertype:1 tt= 0

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"Why does he treat me so bad? Then it hit me - why was I allowing it?"

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