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NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER


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Title: Things Narcissists do.....
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Echo4
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Posts: 711

(Date Posted:03/23/2012 6:51 PM)

Things Narcissists Do…


_______________________________________________________________________________

1. THEY REFUSE RESPONSIBILITY.

It’s not their fault. Not EVER. It’s always your fault. His fault. Her fault. To a narcissist, it’s not their fault they hurt you, it’s your
fault for being hurt-able. If your feelings are hurt, it’s not their fault; it’s your fault – for having feelings. (You may be told that you’re “choosing” to feel bad about the hurtful things they’ve done, and that it’s the wrong “choice”.) If caught doing something insensitive or selfish, they will tell you they “had to” do it because of someone or something else. If you imply that anything is their responsibility, they give you excuses and lies, and often, if those fail to work, they will finally make it clear that the bottom line is they simply don’t care because they don’t have to, and the fact that you care is just unnecessary or wrong. From their perspective, you shouldn’t care — you should get it right like they do, and be more like they are. Uncaring.

2. THEY LIE.

Narcissists lie to make themselves look good. They lie to get out of emotional responsibility. They lie to manipulate. They lie to gain influence. They lie out of habit. Life is a game to narcissists – a game they have to think they’re winning – and truth is one casualty in their game plan. The only time a narcissist has any interest in telling the truth is when it will serve them or cost them nothing to do so. The rest of the time, they don’t consider it necessary or important to be all that honest. Honesty can impede their self-gratification and compromise their powerful persona, and they don’t like that. To narcissists the truth is frequently “flexible” and optional. There’s no such thing as an honest narcissist.

3. THEY LOOK DOWN ON YOU.

Narcissists have to make themselves feel bigger by convincing themselves others are smaller by comparison. They’re no strangers to being condescending, snobby, clique-ish, elitist and superior; however, they may be very good at hiding their disdain to prevent a loss of popularity, which narcissists know brings them power. Narcissists with money look down on the working class. Narcissists in the working class look down on those with more money. Educated narcissists dismiss the opinions of those who have no degree. Narcissists with no degree claim educated people don’t actually know anything. Whatever narcissists HAVE (or think they have) is what they use to look down on others WITH. No-one else’s background, appearance, values, political persuasion, school, preferences, religion, way of life, profession or opinions are ever any good or worthy of their respect unless they themselves value and/or possess the same. If you think or choose differently from a narcissist, you’re “wrong”, and they’re “right”.

4. THEY’RE TWO-FACED.

Narcissists literally have two faces — their real face and their stage face. And neither is anything like the other. Which one you see will depend on how long you’ve known them. Narcissists can be very charming and know how to gain favor. Anyone who doesn’t know a narcissist well will tell you the narcissist is one of the greatest people they’ve ever met! They believe this is one of the most intelligent, kindest, most interesting, funny, agreeable, most attractive, talented or accomplished people ever. They may wish they themselves had it so “together” or were so popular. However, anyone who knows that same narcissist better (family members, longtime coworkers, etc) will tell you the narcissist is one of the most horribly frustrating and toxic people they know, and the mere mention of their name makes them feel uneasy, angry, frustrated or otherwise unhappy. Being the only one who is experiencing a narcissist’s real face, while all other family members or coworkers can still only see the narcissist’s stage face is a very lonely, painful and frustrating place to be. Thankfully, the number of people who can see through the facade tends to increase with time.

5. THEY’RE VINDICTIVE.

If you dare to question a narcissist or request things like healthy boundaries and honesty, you’re going to become public enemy number one. The “Mr. or Ms. Wonderful” mask immediately comes off, and there is no level they will not stoop to in order to “punish” you. They have myriad ways of attempting this; some are covert, and some are open and obvious. The narcissist has a seemingly inexhaustible obsession for making people who cross them “pay”. Once they set their sights on you, you’re a permanent enemy, and their seething spite will feel as intense years down the road as it did when it first began. The length of time they can keep up the full intensity of their hatred for you and their campaign to exact revenge is absolutely dumbfounding to non-narcissistic people.

6.THEY PROJECT PSYCHOLOGICALLY.

Many mentally disordered individuals project frequently. Narcissists, however, are some of the most actively and severely projecting people encountered. Ever full of accusations and criticisms, the most crazy-making thing about most of the narcissist’s claims is that YOU are doing exactly what THEY are doing. (Projection.) Have they just lied to you? Well, you’re about to be called dishonest. Are they cheating you out of an opportunity? You’re going to get the finger pointed at you for being sneaky. And you can’t say a word to them about something hurtful they have done, because that makes you an abuser – of them. You can’t give them anything but glowing feedback without their raging at you, but you’ll be the one constantly criticized severely and then called freakishly oversensitive if you show any feelings about it. And if they say so, it’s law — you don’t know what you’re talking about.

7. THEY SMEAR PEOPLE WHO OPPOSE THEM.
Narcissists are allergic to healthy boundaries and fairness. If you question the insensitive things they do or put any limits whatsoever on their bad behavior, you will be targeted for social, professional, or personal obliteration. Whatever narcissists perceive to be your psychological or situational “weak spots” will be their prime targets. For instance, if the narcissist knows that your greatest fear is social ridicule, that will be the main focus of the smear campaign. If he or she knows that recently, you made a mistake for which you feel guilty, that will be used against you. Narcissists know that the more effectively they can pinpoint your insecurities or flaws, the more successful they will be in eroding your confidence and your influence. And if they manage to do that, they stand a good chance of getting back the power they planned to do whatever they pleased with before you “got in their way”.

 Retrieved from  http://lifelightloveafternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/darkness/things-narcissists-do/ 3/23/12

usertype:2
femfree
1# 



Posts:486

RE:Things Narcissists do.....
(Date Posted:03/24/2012 7:49 AM)

Great article and summary of the N's tactics.

smiley30

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maui3375
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Posts:14

Re:Things Narcissists do.....
(Date Posted:03/25/2012 6:03 PM)

 I have been with Narcissists for 7 yrs now. I told him this past week end that I could no longer continue the
friendship as he called it. But we were intimate the whole time. He always had calls from what he called just "female friends" when I was visiting. And by the way it was only one night a week. I have tried blocking his calls and texts but always end up
unblocking them when he confronts me at work and says he wants us to just communicate as at least friends.
He never made a good friend..because it was always text and chat about him and his world. Never caring about mine.
I want to block him again but I know he will approach me at work again. I know I need to get away for my sanity. I am
so thankful for this website as it has helped confirm what I already suspected. That he has NPD. Thanks to all


usertype:3 tt= 0
Echo4
3# 



Posts:711

RE:Things Narcissists do.....
(Date Posted:03/25/2012 8:38 PM)

Maui,

You have it tough because you have to see him at work. We all know that NO CONTACT is the best way for us to heal and move on but for you this does seem possible at the moment.

You may have to try other measures to shut him out. Change your phone number or block him on your personal devices and try to either ignore him or speak to him only involving work related matters when you are at work.

It is impossible to be friends with a Narcissist and it NEVER ends well even if you try.

It seems you know what he is and are ready to free yourself from his pathology and toxin. Once you shut him out and he realizes there is no more Narcissistic supply available he will move on to other victims that he can siphon supply from.

Best of luck to you!

Echo


usertype:2 tt= 0
femfree
4# 



Posts:486

RE:Things Narcissists do.....
(Date Posted:03/26/2012 4:26 PM)

Hi Maui3375.

It's always nerve wracking when these Ns start to interfere with our livelihood. Can you go to your employers and tell them that you are trying to end a relationship with a guy you don't want anythying to do with and ask them if they have a policy in place or some security they can help you with.

I know it's daunting, but if you feel it's going to help, get them involved so that if he does try to cause you problems you will already have your situation known.

Thank heaven that you saw him for what he is, and are taking strong steps to get him out of your life.  Well done!

...femfree
usertype:1 tt= 0

--------------------------------------------------------------
"Why does he treat me so bad? Then it hit me - why was I allowing it?"

maui3375
5# 



Posts:14

Re:Things Narcissists do.....
(Date Posted:03/26/2012 5:20 PM)

I have talked to the company and they said if he is not threatening me they can do nothing to stop him.. I only have to see
him when i leave work right now anyways. But eventually he will come to my department and act like he is talking to a friend and then aproach me. I just wish I could have had the strength to walk away earlier. I would have been healed
by now. I am setting up appointments as we speak to go to a psycologist. Hopefully with time I can be whole again. All
through the relationship/friendship (which was 1 sided) I knew that he was fake. Just couldn't put my finger on it.
I told him once the world was his stage and he was the greatest actor of all time. That was years ago. Now I have the answers to my nagging questions and know he will never change and I need my sanity. I have changed so much in the
years I have been with him.. and not for the good. He has ruined my life.. But I will mend in time. Thanks to all
usertype:3 tt= 0
Echo4
6# 



Posts:711

RE:Things Narcissists do.....
(Date Posted:03/26/2012 8:04 PM)

Maui,
Have you ever read this piece written by Lynn S. Your post brought this to mind.
This is something that helped me tremendously in my early days of healing:


 Life for the N is a play. The curtain goes up and he is center stage. When a target can't quite get her head around that idea, I think it's due to the fact that she is trying to figure out and make sense of her own role in his life, or in N terms, his play, then and now. She doesn't understand that it is just that to him: nothing more than a play.

Even his play is a distorted reflection of life. The sad truth is that for the N, there are no other human roles, no leading ladies; there is nobody else who gets a bit part even. It isn't and never was about anyone else but him. He is the leading character in his own play. Everyone else is but a stage prop, a mirror, and an audience.

Taking that analogy to a more concrete level, in spending time figuring him out, the betrayed is really trying to figure out her significance in his life, I think. That is very normal when a target comes to the realization that she is disposable and replaceable to a Narcissist. The questions start. Did nothing matter? Or did it matter in some twisted way you don't understand? The wound there is feeling like you did NOT matter and that hurts.

If you are plagued with why's of this nature, you must realize that your significance to him was and is chiefly in terms of what you did to prop up his image of himself. You were the audience or perhaps the stage adornment. If you're still involved with him in any way, you still are. The whole world is an audience. He simply assesses who can provide him the best audience and help the applause meter go up as he wanders through life. He determines what 'props' get him the best supply, make him look best in the mirror, or at the very least make him visible, and he shifts his focus around accordingly.

Really, the bottom line in regard to N's is, whatever the question, the answer is usually 'supply'. He seeks attention and admiration. He seeks a response. He exists as long as someone is affirming the false image he has of himself. When that stops, he fears he will no longer exist, and the pursuit begins anew.

The image could be famous or infamous, but the end result is that he needs to know that he has the power to influence and evoke a response. It does not matter what it is or from whence it comes. It's all 'currency' to the Narcissist, as Dr. Vaknin has said. Yes, your attention, or anyone's attention, is merely currency he converts into reinforcing the false image he seeks to maintain and to which he desperately clings. Without that image, he does not exist.

You'll never figure out a way to change his intentions and motivations to 'normal view' so that you can understand him. They're not. There is not a 'hidden person' underneath who is playing the part he plays. That person never was. He was lost to his disorder long ago. He is not really even an actor playing a role. He is the character he's playing. Very sad, but I think it's as close as any of us will ever come to 'getting it'. There is no more than that there.

So, where did or do you fit in his play? That's the question targets seem to be trying to understand on some level. What is your role? Well, he cannot see you as a separate, thinking, feeling person. He doesn't have that capacity. The world revolves around him. You are at best, an extension of his inflated image, again, merely a prop or an audience. His view of 'where you fit' and 'how you mattered' in his grand production is the product of a disordered mind. That is why it's so hard for us to understand. We don't think that way, but we sometimes try to apply how we would feel or think to what he does. That will result in nothing but confusion because it doesn't apply.

We all seek to understand. We all have been there. At some point, we have to leave the theatre and walk out into the sunshine of life where real people do not treat others as props. The N's life and our role in it stops being a mystery and a 'whodunit' to figure out when we realize that on a very basic level, it's not a mystery at all. It is what it is. His life is a tragedy.

Lynn

usertype:2 tt= 0
Echo4
7# 



Posts:711

Re:Things Narcissists do.....
(Date Posted:03/26/2012 8:06 PM)

 Hang in there Maui~ You are stronger than you realize. he is but one miserable person in a world of billions. Do not allow him to control or define you.

Keep us posted, we care.
Hugs
Echo
usertype:2 tt= 0
maui3375
8# 



Posts:14

Re:Things Narcissists do.....
(Date Posted:03/27/2012 12:44 PM)

I got up this morning and couldn"t even go to work. ugh I feel like someone has died and I'm so depressed.
usertype:3 tt= 0
Echo4
9# 



Posts:711

Re:Things Narcissists do.....
(Date Posted:03/27/2012 2:10 PM)

 Maui,
In a way it is like a death and must be grieved but also unlike a death because there is never any closure.

You say you feel depressed but can you put those feelings into words? What are you feeling exactly?
I think it is important to identify those feelings so that they can be worked through.

I was very depressed in the beginning but I was also very angry and then sometimes I would be angry at myself.
There were days when I could not go to work either but remember your job is your stability right now and you do not want to jeopardize that.

If you feel comfortable share more about what happened.

Hugs
Echo
usertype:2 tt= 0
maui3375
10# 



Posts:14

Re:Things Narcissists do.....
(Date Posted:03/27/2012 8:03 PM)

I'm so used to text from him and my phone is dead quiet. Even though I questioned if his text were mostly lies. I
am also mad at myself. I feel so betrayed and used. No one wants to feel like that. I will work tomorrow and do
what I need to do , I guess it will just take time. I am wondering what the best medicine is for depression. My
doctor put me on Celexa but it didn't agree with me. I have to go back and get re-evaluated for another kind. I
will try to keep myself busy and have already made plans for my week end so as I won't think about him. I
will leave him this time for sure..but feel like I am going to need a lot of help and support from friends,people here
and my doctor/psycologist.Thanks for all the support.
usertype:3 tt= 0
Echo4
11# 



Posts:711

RE:Things Narcissists do.....
(Date Posted:03/28/2012 8:36 AM)

Maui,
I had sucess with the antidepressant Lexapro. For me it was a good one because it also helped stop my ruminating thoughts and had a calming effect without sedation. I took that for almost a year with good results.

Let me make a suggestion here that I feel will help you tremendously: either change your phone number or block him on your phone. Right now you have an open line to him and you are in constant anticipation of a text from him.
When there is no text this starts a chain reaction of compulsively checking your phone for messages and feeling just a bit more rejected and loser like every time.

If you block him or change your number you will  be set free from this cycle of anticipation and disappointment and much of your anxiety will decrease.

In the beginning I waited for him to call and apologize to me or tell me that he wanted me back. That call never came but it did not stop me from "jumping" every time the phone rang or every time an "unknown" number appeared on my screen.

I finally changed my number and all of sudden I felt  a bit more free of him. When the phone rang I knew it could not be him and when an unknown call appeared I also knew that it was a telemarketer and NOT him.
Changing your number really is a step in taking back your personal power.

When a relationship with an N ends it is very normal for the victim to feel rejected and at fault; this is the nature of the N ending.......THE DISCARD. It always ends badly with the N and the way you feel right now is exactly how he hopes that you feel.

The truth is that you are BLAMELESS and have been victimized by a pathologically disordered person.
Your only course of action now is to protect yourself. It is okay to be sad and it is okay to grieve the loss of what you thought you had with him. But it is not okay for you to torture yourself with the anticipation of a reconciliation or apology.

Many times Ns do come back but it is not because they care it is because they need supply.

Maui~ I was married to the worst of the worst. It was like the movie "Sleeping with the Enemy" except he did not beat me. I survived this and so can you.

Hugs
Echo
usertype:2 tt= 0
maui3375
12# 



Posts:14

Re:Things Narcissists do.....
(Date Posted:03/28/2012 6:54 PM)

Thank You Echo. I have had the block on my phone now for 3 days. It's just that i'm not used to it being quiet like it is now. I have blocked him before and he was so mad!! And talked me into removing it. This time I won't remove it. Before I blocked him I told him exactly what I felt about him then I blocked him before he could answer. I do feel at peace knowing that he will never be able to contact me. Everyday that passes I feel better. I don't remember any good times with him because there at the end it was bad for years. He took so much from me. my money my time and my soul. I hope to continue healing and still can't believe people like him exist. I'm so caring and loving it's hard for me to wrap my head around someone being that cruel to another human being. Why aren't they capable of just saying what they want from you and let you choose if that's the road you want to follow. If he would have said all I want is some company once a week for some fun..at least I could have said yes or no. But he didn't want me to date but wouldn't ever say he was my man either, and yes he always said he had a lot of female friends. Which I found strange. Now I know why after doing research. They all gave him something he needed. Thanks soooo much for your replies. I look forward to seeing what you post. It's my little ray of sunshine everyday :)
usertype:3 tt= 0
Echo4
13# 



Posts:711

Re:Things Narcissists do.....
(Date Posted:03/28/2012 7:43 PM)

 Thanks Maui~
I am happy to hear that you blocked him.
It will get better slowly and every day of NC that you have under your belt will make you stronger.

People like him have very little insight into their own disorder. They are abnormal mentally and therefore have no clue as to what it would be like to be normal or relate to others as anything but objects.
This is why they cannot tell you at the get-go that all they want is a once a week thing and if they did it would be a lie.

Narcissists want everything that you are and everything that you have and then decide that is enough all the while feeling entitled to it.

You are smart and brave and certainly not alone. There are thousands and thousands of others just like us.
For every narcissist in the world there is a trail of discarded people, all of whom I am sure saw themselves as being kind and loving too.

Keep reading, keep posting and stay NC!

Echo

usertype:2 tt= 0
maui3375
14# 



Posts:14

Re:Things Narcissists do.....
(Date Posted:03/30/2012 2:23 PM)

Tonight will be rough as I normally go there on Friday nights. But i will stay strong and I am taking my life and my sanity back. I felt so used when I was with him. I told him one time I felt used and he said what" would I use you for?" I didn't have an answer then ,but I do now. He would suck me dry and use me for whatever he felt like at the time. I feel so sorry for his next victim. I remember him talking about the others before me and he would say his life was so good because one of the women had money and he could take trips and have a nice home ( 8yrs with her then she moved out). Another was after his break-up and she supplied emotional support for him..but like the rest she didn't last long. One right after the other. When I first met him he stated his mind was a dark place. I always wondered what that comment meant. Now I know. I read that when you first meet a Narcissist sometimes they will reveal something like this. Anyways I will keep posting and hopefully start my therapy soon (when they finally call back with appt. time) I have stayed busy with family and friends to keep my mind off from him. And I pray a lot. Not religious but I'm very spirtual. Everyone have a good week end!!
usertype:3 tt= 0
Echo4
15# 



Posts:711

Re:Things Narcissists do.....
(Date Posted:03/31/2012 9:42 AM)

 Maui,
I hope you made it through Friday night alright.

The thing about Narcissists is they have a pattern. It never varies and is hard wired into their disorder. It is simply Idealization, Devaluation and Discard.

The situations that you describe with his past victims is evidence of this pattern.

It is so important for us to understand that this pattern of behavior has nothing to do with us, never has and never will.
N's cannot connect to anybody emotionally and only see others as objects.

I am very PROUD of you for being strong and knowing that you deserve better.

Hugs
Echo
usertype:2 tt= 0
femfree
16# 



Posts:486

RE:Things Narcissists do.....
(Date Posted:03/31/2012 10:12 AM)

(((Maui)))smiley32

Only the best of us get discarded. Ns have this uncanny way of knowing that a target is too smart and will soon stop being targetable.  I see your strength in your message.

Most of these Ns have a supply of backup targets available.  They can move on treating us like a piece of gum that's lost it's flavour and move on in the blink of an eye. Just figuring out this part of the whole N experience can really give us a new way of seeing things.

I read in your messages what a caring, loving, smart lady you are. Like all of us you were targeted.

Please don't be mad at yourself. You're being way too hard on yourself I think.

If the N devalued and discarded you - devalue and discard him.


Hugssmiley28
femfree

usertype:1 tt= 0

--------------------------------------------------------------
"Why does he treat me so bad? Then it hit me - why was I allowing it?"

maui3375
17# 



Posts:14

Re:Things Narcissists do.....
(Date Posted:04/01/2012 6:23 PM)

Thank You Echo. I did make it through Friday night. I spent the whole evening with a friend of mine. We went to dinner and had a great evening. Thanks for the support. Hope to stay strong. I am reading all I can about this disorder to educate myself. I also think I am co dependent and need to take steps to correct that.
usertype:3 tt= 0
maui3375
18# 



Posts:14

Re:Things Narcissists do.....
(Date Posted:04/01/2012 6:35 PM)

Thank You femfree for the post!!
usertype:3 tt= 0
ILG779
19# 



Posts:31

Re:Things Narcissists do.....
(Date Posted:04/02/2012 5:57 PM)

I thank God I found you all :) I did NOT realize what the heck happend to me, I realize now I have been discarded. Wow, I have never in my life met such a person before. All was my fault, I was a caring thoughtful loving Christian woman looking for the bible teacher Christian man. Well I found him, only to have him verbally abuse me, blame me for everything, went after my family when he was mad even though he had not met them, he insisted its all my fault, i believed this until today since i have been reading. WOW, it hurts, its hard, he wants absolutely NO contact, which is for the best, I guess I am lucky that he has moved on and has gone away, I was strong enough to delete all his picks from my phone, his number, address, all his gifts in the trash...its all gone!! I am left broken, no friends, alone, I have GOD, it came down to him or my family and thankfully he chose to dump me so I did not have to make the choice, I would have gone back! As crazy as it sounds, the silence is deafening, he use to call sooo much, i had to carry aound my phone, if i did not answer he accused me of cheating. I have NEVER EVER cheated on anyone in my life, nor have i eveer been accused of it, this person accused me of it the first 30 days, why i did not leave, i was addicted to having love in my life, i waited so long for him, now its been a drama, roller coaster, devastating, ungodly experience in my life. The scary thing is, he used God against me, making me feel I was the only one God did not love, I assure you now i know bettter, oh how he destroyed me, its taking time to get over this, but there is a better life out there, dont ever give up.
usertype:6 tt= 0
Echo4
20# 



Posts:711

RE:Things Narcissists do.....
(Date Posted:04/02/2012 6:20 PM)



ILG779,

Welcome to our forum. I am sad for the circumstances that brought you here but very glad that you found us.

I know you are hurting right now and this is to be expected. This is not an ordinary "run of the mill" broken heart instead it is like having part of your soul sucked out.

I would like to recommend a few things that will help; first off maintain NO CONTACT,
educate yourself and keep posting here for support and information.

Many narcissists and sociopaths use "God" to lure their prey. And as you are well aware there is a big difference between prey and pray!

Hugs to you, you are not alone and you will get over this but it is not going to happen over night.

Echo



usertype:2 tt= 0
ILG779
21# 



Posts:31

Re:Things Narcissists do.....
(Date Posted:04/02/2012 6:43 PM)

Thank you sooo much for replying...ive been waitng for someone to help me. I have NO friends, none, he took them all away, even my brother is gone, he just had a baby and i am not allowed to see him. He nevere met the N i dated, but the N attacked him via cell phone. I am hurting soo bad, if i have contact with him, my dad will kick me out, i am 40, have no job and have benn thru surgeries on my hands for 5 years, my family took me in. This N, never ever wants to talk to me again, he lewered me in with marriage, a baby everything i ever wanted, when that happened he dumped me, hard and strong, i remember when i first met him, he said he got another girl pregnant, he wrote her an email, read it to me, he wanted nothing to do with her, she cheated on him and he said to call him in 9 months if the baby is his, well he did the same to me, fortunately God interviened and I miscarried, have not told him and i dont plan on it either. he last said to call him in 7 months for a dna test if its his, i am choosing to never ever call him again and i am going to change my number....this has been devastating
usertype:6 tt= 0
ILG779
22# 



Posts:31

Re:Things Narcissists do.....
(Date Posted:04/02/2012 6:45 PM)

My brother just called and said he loves me....wow that was fantastic, he does not understand how i became abused and does not know what an N is. What is the best article on here i can copy and paste and have him and his wife read it and unerstand this is not my fault, its just not, please help me
usertype:6 tt= 0
Echo4
23# 



Posts:711

Re:Things Narcissists do.....
(Date Posted:04/02/2012 8:27 PM)

 ILG,
There are so many good articles on this site if you want to snoop around a bit but one that might be easy for family to understand is the one at the top of this thread called Things Narcissists do.

Also here are the most common signs and symptoms of Narcissism from the Mayo clinic:

Symptoms

By Mayo Clinic staff

Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by dramatic, emotional behavior, which is in the same category as antisocial and borderline personality disorders.

Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms may include:

  • Believing that you're better than others
  • Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
  • Exaggerating your achievements or talents
  • Expecting constant praise and admiration
  • Believing that you're special and acting accordingly
  • Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
  • Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
  • Taking advantage of others
  • Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
  • Being jealous of others
  • Believing that others are jealous of you
  • Trouble keeping healthy relationships
  • Setting unrealistic goals
  • Being easily hurt and rejected
  • Having a fragile self-esteem
  • Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional

Although some features of narcissistic personality disorder may seem like having confidence or strong self-esteem, it's not the same. Narcissistic personality disorder crosses the border of healthy confidence and self-esteem into thinking so highly of yourself that you put yourself on a pedestal. In contrast, people who have healthy confidence and self-esteem don't value themselves more than they value others.

When you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. You often monopolize conversations. You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior. You may have a sense of entitlement. And when you don't receive the special treatment to which you feel entitled, you may become very impatient or angry. You may insist on having "the best" of everything — the best car, athletic club, medical care or social circles, for instance.

But underneath all this behavior often lies a fragile self-esteem. You have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism. You may have a sense of secret shame and humiliation. And in order to make yourself feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and efforts to belittle the other person to make yourself appear better.

Please do not be discouraged if family does not understand. The important thing is that YOU understand.

Also PLEASE accept that this is not your fault. You are blameless. He is disordered and there is nothing you could have done that would have helped.

It ALWAYS ends badly with an N~~~~ALWAYS!

I am glad you are going to change your number.

I will try to post some information about NO CONTACT for you tomorrow.

Hugs,

Echo


usertype:2 tt= 0
ILG779
24# 



Posts:31

RE:Things Narcissists do.....
(Date Posted:04/02/2012 8:54 PM)

Thank you so much, as I was waiting I came accross this...it explains it all, it really does. I think ill put in on a new post, i was able to highlight all that happened to me, hopefully my family and friends will understand, God bless you for caring, he left me with no one and nothing....gradually they are coming back...very slowly.

Because they suffer from incurable personality disorders, psychopaths repeat over and over the same relationship cycle, no matter whom they’re dating or for how long. Relationships with them are always castles–or, sometimes, marriages–built on sand. Today I’ll describe the entire process of psychopathic seduction, from its seemingly ideal beginning to its invariably bitter end.

In their book on psychopaths in the workplace, entitled Snakes in Suits, Babiak and Hare state that the psychopathic bond follows certain predictable stages: idealize, devalue and discard. This process may take several years or only a few hours. It all depends on what the psychopath wants from you and whether or not you present a challenge to him. If the psychopath wants the semblance of respectability–a screen behind which he can hide his perverse nature and appear harmless and normal–he may establish a long-term partnership with you or even marry you. If all he wants is to have some fun, it will be over within a couple of hours. If he wants the stimulation and diversion of an affair, he may stay with you for as long as you excite him. Despite the differences in timeline, what remains constant is this: eventually, sooner or later, you’ll be discarded (or be led by the psychopath’s bad behavior to discard him) as soon as you no longer serve his needs.

Babiak and Hare explain that although psychopaths are highly manipulative, the process of idealize, devalue and discard is a natural outgrowth of their personalities. In other words, it’s not necessarily calculated at every moment in the relationship. Overall, however, whether consciously or not, psychopaths assess and drain the use-value out of their romantic partners. (Snakes in Suits, 42) During the assessment phase, psychopaths interact closely with their targets to see what makes them tick. They ask probing questions, to discover their unfulfilled needs and weaknesses. They also commonly lure their targets with promises to offer them whatever’s been missing from their lives. If you’re recovering from a recent divorce, they offer you friendship and an exciting new romantic relationship. If you’ve suffered a death in the family, they appear to be sympathetic friends. If you’re going through financial difficulties, they lend you money to seem generous.

During the manipulation phase, Babiak and Hare go on to explain, psychopaths construct the “psychopathic fiction.” They pour on the charm to hook their victims emotionally and gain their trust. They present themselves as kind-hearted individuals. Of course, in order to do so, psychopaths resort to outrageous lies since, in reality, they’re just the opposite. In romantic relationships in particular, they depict themselves as not only compatible with you, but also as your soul mate. While seeming your complement, they also present themselves as your mirror image. They claim to share your interests and sensibilities. Babiak and Hare observe: “This psychological bond capitalizes on your inner personality, holding out the promise of greater depth and possibly intimacy, and offering a relationship that is special, unique, equal–forever.” (Snakes in Suits, 78)

Because psychopaths are great manipulators and convincing liars, as we’ve seen, many of their victims don’t heed the warning signals. During the early phases of a romantic relationship, people in general tend to be too blinded by the euphoria of falling in love to focus on noticing red flags. Also, during this period, the psychopaths themselves are on their best behavior. Yet, generally speaking, they get bored too easily to be able to maintain their mask of sanity consistently for very long. The honeymoon phase of the relationship usually lasts until the psychopath intuitively senses that he’s got you on the hook or until he’s gotten bored by the relationship and moved on to other targets. He shows his true colors when he’s got no incentive left to pretend anymore. As Babiak and Hare note, “Once psychopaths have drained all the value from a victim—that is, when the victim is no longer useful—they abandon the victim and move on to someone else.” (Snakes in Suits, 53)

This raises the question of why a psychopath idealizes his targets in the first place. Why do psychopaths invest so much effort, time and energy into giving the illusion of intimacy and meaning in a relationship, given that they never really bond with other human beings in the first place? One obvious response would be that they do it for the sport of it. They enjoy both the chase and the kill; the seduction and the betrayal. They relish creating the illusion that they’re something they’re not. They also enjoy observing how they dupe others into believing this fiction. Moreover, whenever a psychopath expresses admiration, flattery or enthusiasm for someone, it’s always because he wants something from that person. I think, however, that this explanation is somewhat reductive. Many psychopaths experience powerful obsessions that resemble intense passions. Besides, this explanation doesn’t distinguish conmen, who fake their credentials and interest in a person, from psychopaths “in love,” who are pursuing their targets for what initially seems even to them as “romantic” reasons.

A broader explanation, which would include both kinds of psychopaths, might look something like this: as research confirms, all psychopaths suffer from a shallowness of emotion that makes their bonding ephemeral and superficial, at best. When they want something–or someone–they pursue that goal with all their might. They concentrate all of their energies upon it. When that goal is your money or a job or something outside of yourself, their pursuit may appear somewhat fake. You’re a means to an end. You were never idealized for yourself, but for something else. But when their goal is actually you–seducing you or even marrying you–then their pursuit feels like an idealization. Temporarily, you represent the object of their desire, the answer to their needs, the love of their life and the key to their happiness. But this feeling of euphoria doesn’t last long because it’s empty to the core. As we’ve observed, once psychopaths feel they have you in their grasp—once your identity, hopes and expectations are pinned on them—they get bored with you and move on to new sources of pleasure and diversion. We’ve also seen in Cleckley’s study that the same logic applies to their other goals as well. Psychopaths tire rather quickly of their jobs, their geographic location, their hobbies and their educational endeavors. But it hurts so much more, and it feels so much more personal, when what they get tired of is you, yourself.

Their loss of interest appears as a devaluation. From the center of their life, you suddenly become just an obstacle to their next pursuit. Since psychopaths are intuitively skilled at “dosing,” or giving you just enough validation and attention to keep you on the hook, you may not immediately notice the devaluation. It’s as if the psychopath intuitively knows when to be charming again (in order not to lose you) and when to push your boundaries, further and lower. Your devaluation occurs gradually yet steadily. One day you finally notice it and wonder how you have allowed yourself to sink so low. Occasionally, he throws you a bone–takes you out, plans a romantic evening, says kind and loving things—to lead you to dismiss your healthy intuitions that you’re being mistreated. If the psychopath allows himself to treat you worse and worse it’s not only because you’re much less exciting in his eyes. It’s also because he’s conditioned you to think less highly of yourself and to accept his dubious behavior. Because you want to hold on to the fantasy of the ideal relationship he cultivated, you go into denial. You accept his implausible excuses. You put up with your growing fears and doubts. You rationalize his inexplicable absences, his increasingly frequent emotional withdrawals, his curt and icy replies, his petty and mean-spirited ways of “punishing” you for asserting your needs or for not bending to his will.

But at some point, when he sinks to a new low or when you catch him in yet another lie, you slip out of the willful denial which has been your way of adjusting to the toxic relationship. Because he has lowered your self-esteem, you ask yourself why this has happened and what you did wrong. If he cheated on you, you blame the other woman or women involved. The psychopath encourages you to pursue such false leads. In fact, he encourages anything that deflects attention from his responsibility in whatever goes wrong with your relationship. He leads you to blame yourself. He also inculpates the other women. He implies that you were not good enough for him. He claims that the other women tempted or pursued him. But that’s only a diversionary tactic. You have flaws and you made mistakes, but at least you were honest and real. The other women involved may have been decent human beings, the scum of the Earth or anything in between. Think about it. Does it really matter who and what they were? You are not involved with the other women. They are not your life partners, your spouses, your lovers or your friends. What matters to you most is how your own partner behaves. He is primarily accountable for his actions. Not you, not the other women.

Also, keep in mind that psychopaths twist the truth to fit their momentary goals and to play mind games. When you actually pay attention to what they say instead of being impressed by how sincere they may appear, their narratives often sound inconsistent and implausible. What they say about other women, both past and present, is most likely a distortion too. Psychopaths commonly project their own flaws upon others. If they tell you they were seduced, it was most likely the other way around. If they tell you that their previous girlfriends mistreated them, cheated on them, got bored with them, abandoned them, listen carefully, since that’s probably what they did to those women. Their lies serve a dual function. They help establish credibility with you as well as giving them the extra thrill of deceiving you yet again.

So why were you discarded? you may wonder. You were devalued and discarded because you were never really valued for yourself. As we’ve seen, for psychopaths relationships are temporary deals, or rather, scams. Analogously, for them, other human beings represent objects of diversion and control. The most flattering and pleasant phase of their control, the only one that feels euphoric and magical, is the seduction/idealization phase. That’s when they pour on the charm and do everything they possibly can to convince you that you are the only one for them and that they’re perfect for you. It’s very easy to mistake this phase for true love or passion. However, what inevitably follows in any intimate relationship with a psychopath is neither pleasant nor flattering. Once they get bored with you because the spell of the initial conquest has worn off, the way they maintain control of you is through deception, isolation, abuse, gaslighting and undermining your self-confidence.

That’s when you realize that the devaluation phase has set in. You do whatever you can to regain privileged status. You try to recapture the excitement and sweetness of the idealization phase. You want to reclaim your rightful throne as the queen you thought you were in his eyes. But that’s an impossible goal, an ever-receding horizon. Every women’s shelter tells victims of domestic violence that abuse usually gets worse, not better, over time. For abusers, power is addictive. It works like a drug. The dosage needs to be constantly increased to achieve the same effect. Control over others, especially sexual control, gives psychopaths pleasure and meaning in life. To get the same rush from controlling you, over time, they need to tighten the screws. Increase the domination. Increase the manipulation. Isolate you further from those who care about you. Undermine your confidence and boundaries more, so that you’re left weaker and less prepared to stand up for yourself. The more you struggle to meet a psychopath’s demands, the more he’ll ask of you. Until you have nothing left to give. Because you have pushed your moral boundaries as low as they can go. You have alienated your family and friends, at the psychopath’s subtle manipulation or overt urging. You have done everything you could to satisfy him. Yet, after the initial idealization phase, nothing you did was ever good enough for him.

It turns out that he’s completely forgotten about the qualities he once saw in you. If and when he talks about you to others, it’s as if he were ashamed of you. That’s not only because he lost interest in you. It’s also the instinctive yet strategic move of a predator. If your family, his family, your mutual friends have all lost respect for you–if you’re alone with him in the world–he can control you so much easier than if you have external sources of validation and emotional support. Psychopaths construct an “us versus them” worldview. They initially depict your relationship as privileged and better than the ordinary love bonds normal people form. This is of course always a fiction. In fact, the opposite holds true. An intimate relationship with a psychopath is far inferior to any normal human relationship, where both people care about each other. Such a relationship is necessarily one-sided and distorted. It’s a sham on both sides. Being a consummate narcissist, he loves no one but himself and cares about nothing but his selfish desires.

If and when he does something nice, it’s always instrumental: a means to his ends or to bolster his artificial good image. Dr. Jekyll is, in fact, always Mr. Hyde on the inside. And even though you may be capable of love, you’re not in love with the real him–the cheater, the liar, the manipulator, the player, the hollow, heartless being that he is–but with the charming illusion he created, which you initially believed but which becomes increasingly implausible over time. From beginning to end, all this phony relationship can offer you is a toxic combination of fake love and real abuse. He constructs the psychopathic bond through deception and manipulation. You maintain it through self-sacrifice and denial.

But pretty soon, when you find yourself alone with the psychopath, you see it’s not us versus them, your couple above and against everyone else. It’s him versus you. He will act like your worst enemy, which is what he really is, not as the best friend and adoring partner he claimed to be. If he criticizes you to others–or, more subtly, fosters antagonisms between you and family members and friends–it’s to further wear you down and undermine your social bonds. Once he tires of you, he induces others to see you the same way that he does: as someone not worthy of him; as someone to use, demean and discard. Before you were beautiful and no woman could compare to you. Now you’re at best plain in his eyes. Before you were cultured and intelligent. Now you’re the dupe who got played by him. Before you were dignified and confident. Now you’re isolated and abject. In fact, right at the point when you feel that you should be rewarded for your sacrifice of your values, needs, desires and human bonds–all for him–the psychopath discards you.

He’s had enough. He’s gotten everything he wanted out of you. Bent you out of shape. Taken away, demand by demand, concession by concession, your dignity and happiness. As it turns out, the reward you get for all your devotion and efforts is being nearly destroyed by him. Ignoring your own needs and fulfilling only his–or fulfilling yours to gain his approval–has transformed you into a mere shadow of the lively, confident human being you once were.

He uses your weaknesses against you. He also turns your qualities into faults. If you are faithful, he sees your fidelity as a weakness, a sign you weren’t desirable enough to cheat. Nobody else really wanted you. If you are virtuous, he exploits your honesty while he lies and cheats on you. If you are passionate, he uses your sensuality to seduce you, to entrap you through your own desires, emotions, hopes and dreams. If you are reserved and modest, he describes you as asocial and cold-blooded. If you are confident and outgoing, he views you as flirtatious and untrustworthy. If you are hard working, unless he depends on your money, he depicts you as a workhorse exploited by your boss. If you are artistic and cultured, he undermines your merit. He makes you feel like everything you create is worthless and cannot possibly interest others. You’re lucky that it ever interested him. After the idealization phase is over, there’s no way to please a psychopath. Heads you lose, tails he wins. But remember that his criticisms are even less true than his initial exaggerated flattery. When all is said and done, the only truth that remains is that the whole relationship was a fraud.

The process of the psychopathic bond is programmatic. It’s astonishingly elegant and simple given the complexity of human behavior. Idealize, devalue and discard. Each step makes sense once you grasp the psychological profile of a psychopath, of an (in)human being who lives for the pleasure of controlling and harming others. 1) Idealize: not you, but whatever he wanted from you and only for however long he wanted it. 2) Devalue: once he has you in his clutches, the boredom sets in and he loses interest. 3) Discard: after he’s gotten everything he wanted from you and has probably secured other targets.

For you, this process is excruciatingly personal. It may have cost you your time, your heart, your friends, your family, your self-esteem or your finances. You may have put everything you had and given everything you could to that relationship. It may have become your entire life. For the psychopath, however, the whole process isn’t really personal. He could have done the same thing to just about anyone who allowed him into her intimate life. He will do it again and again to everyone he seduces. It’s not about you. It’s not about the other woman or women who were set against you to compete for him, to validate his ego, to give him pleasure, to meet his fickle needs. He wasn’t with them because they’re superior to you. He was with them for the same reason that he was with you. To use them, perhaps for different purposes than he used you, but with the same devastating effect. He will invariably treat others in a similar way to how he treated you. Idealize, devalue and discard. Rinse and repeat. This process was, is and will always be only about the psychopath for as long as you stay with him.

usertype:6 tt= 0
Echo4
25# 



Posts:711

Re:Things Narcissists do.....
(Date Posted:04/03/2012 7:11 AM)

 IGL,
This is very good information and you will be surprised as you continue onward with your hunt for information that the man you were with is a pathology and not a person.

When we are first discarded by the N we of course feel devastated, worthless and rejected but learning about NPD really helps put things into perspective.

For me, reading and learning about this disordered lessened my pain because I could identify with so much that I read. The N I was married to was practically "text book".

Hugs
Echo
usertype:2 tt= 0
ILG779
26# 



Posts:31

Re:Things Narcissists do.....
(Date Posted:04/04/2012 9:01 PM)

You'll never figure out a way to change his intentions and motivations to 'normal view' so that you can understand him. They're not. There is not a 'hidden person' underneath who is playing the part he plays. That person never was. He was lost to his disorder long ago. He is not really even an actor playing a role. He is the character he's playing. Very sad, but I think it's as close as any of us will ever come to 'getting it'. There is no more than that there.

I READ THIS AND IT HAS REALLY HELPED. HE IS THE CHARACTER HE IS PLAYING...I KEPT WONDERING, IS HE REALLY LIKE THIS, DOES HE KNOW WHAT HE IS DOING TO ME, DOES HE CARE, HOW CAN HE NOT REALIZE WHAT HE SAID TO ME AND HOW HE TREATED ME.....AFTER READING THIS I REALIZE THAT HE IS WHO HE IS, HE NEVER CHANGED, HE ONLY GOT WORSE AND WORSE, I AM GETTING IT
usertype:6 tt= 0
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