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Title: Need Some Advice
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Posts: 246

(Date Posted:08/29/2012 6:52 AM)

Ok, so when my husband and I split up three years ago he went to stay with his parents.  When we started talking about getting back together five months later he told me the reason he hadn't seen my son (who called him dad and had been *his* son since very early in our relationship) or helped us financially was because his parents told him if he did these things he could no longer live with them.  I believed him because he cried and he said he had to keep a roof over his head because he was so scared... blah blah blah.
I have avoided and hated his parents for years because of this.  His Dad reached out to me and told me he was glad I was back in the family, he tried to be my friend on Facebook too.  I stayed as far away as I could and declined his request.  My husband, of course, understood my wanting to stay away (I'm sure it made the lies easier to keep because he didn't have to worry about me saying anything if I didn't talk to them).

So, this has been bothering me a LOT.  Like I'm processing everything else very well but I want to tell them how sorry I am for being such a bitch because I believed his lies.  I feel like it's something I need to do in my recovery process.  BUT it could also be considered an N-Dip and I have no idea how to word it.

If anyone has any advice please share.


RE:Need Some Advice
(Date Posted:08/29/2012 7:03 AM)

My advice is to let it go.

Contacting them would just open up a lot of wounds that are beginning to heal and would probably aggravate the N to do who knows what.

They are all liars. Their whole life is a lie and the more they isolate us the easier it is for them to promote those lies. You can be sure he has already told them lies about you too and so they probably think you are crazy and unbalanced and blah...blah.

I don't think anything would be gained by contacting them.

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RE:Need Some Advice
(Date Posted:08/29/2012 7:28 AM)

Well, I've survived being painted as the worst mother in the world, so I guess I can survive being painted as the crappy daughter-in-law too.  
I'm not cold, un-feeling, and hateful.  I am flooded by all of these suppressed feelings and it's been difficult.  There is no where to put them, no one I should tell them to.  Sometimes I feel like I'll just go crazy under the weight of it all.  

Thanks Echo.
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RE:Need Some Advice
(Date Posted:08/29/2012 7:31 AM)

I agree with Echo.I would let it go too. Just because the father was willing to welcome you back into the family fold doesn't mean he was genuinely pleased to see you, he could possibly have been placating his son or just glad that the divide was now over.

For years, I watched and heard my P daughter abuse people, even though I knew she was being vile(must admit, I didn't hear just how viles til much later). I knew, and even after she left here and moved in with a totally dysfunctional family that she tortured......I had already listened to my daughters lies about these people and would still have protected my daughter from them should she have needed it. I am NC and see fully the whole situation..I don't want contact with my daughter at all and now I don't bear the family she is with any ill will.......but I wouldn't lift a finger to help them either.
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RE:Need Some Advice
(Date Posted:08/29/2012 8:16 AM)

Thanks Topaz.  I feel for your situation.  I know that parents always side with the children, except in your extreme circumstance.  So, I guess I'd just be asking for trouble if I did that.  
I appreciate your replies, it does help set my mind at ease a bit more to have other opinions.  I tend to feel as if I am giving in to fear when I do not face things head on in a direct, and honest, way so having other opinions helps me tell when I'm fearing for a good reason vs fearing just because I am anxious. 
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RE:Need Some Advice
(Date Posted:08/29/2012 10:56 AM)

It is a shame, but let them go. They will side with their own flesh and blood, and you can be guaranteed that he has fed them all sorts of lies about you by now. 
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RE:Need Some Advice
(Date Posted:08/29/2012 12:10 PM)

I totally agree! When you look at the "best possible outcomes" vs the worst possible outcomes that this good bring you, the worst seems to outweigh the best... Plus I think your doing so good right now. You are starting to look out for you and your kids first. I worry this could start the process of worrying about what others think, when that doesn't matter right now. I think it would be N dipping that could really end up hurting you more. Screw him and his family. Just love yourself and your children for now. I am having a kind of similar problem. My Ns mom wants to see her grandson. I started feeling really bad because I was like 'why should she suffer it's N that's the psycho' BUT then I started thinking 'Well who do I care more about me and my son's well being or hers?' I mean my N would ABSOLUTLY use her and my relationship in some kind of fashion to screw me over more or see his son, which I don't want him around my baby AT ALL!  Then I felt bad about thinking that way. So I rationalize that it's partially her fault why he became a N anyways. If she wouldn't have abandoned her sons, leaving them to fend for themselves for weeks while they were like 6 and 2 so she could go do drugs, then maybe he wouldn't have created the false self and became a N anyways. She made her decisions. He made his decisions, and I'm making mine. Keep your head up 10 years you are doing great! I know it is really hard, but I have faith in you! 
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