"I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me
than a full frontal lobotomy."
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week." "I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter." "For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.
What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician?
A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!
Once I had multiple personalities, but now we are feeling well.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The best thing about being schizophrenic is that I'm never alone.
Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get you!
Hypochondria is the only illness that I don't have.
I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M&M's one by one with a glass of water.
Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse."
Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered.
The older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening to other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me."
The younger looking one replies, "Who listens?"
In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are you here?"
The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here."
The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"
The second responds, "God told me I was."
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"
Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."
This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide. The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for. He answered, "I want to kill my wife." "I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide." The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife, perhaps the ugliest, meanest woman ever..
The pharmacist blushes and replies, "I am sorry Sir, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I am a set of curtains!
Pull yourself together, man!
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bell.
Well, just go home and if the feeling persists, give me a ring.
Doctor, doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow.
Don't let people push you around.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible.
Who said that?!
Doctor, doctor, nobody understands me.
What do you mean by that?
Doctor, doctor, People keep ignoring me!
Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I say.
Tell me the truth now, what's your REAL problem?
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
Doctor, doctor, people keep telling me I'm ugly!
Lay on the couch, face down.
Doctor, Doctor, I can't stop stealing things.
Take these pills for a week; if that doesn't work I'll have a color TV!
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
Sit there and don't stir.
Doctor, doctor, I'm manic-depressive.
Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm.
Doctor, doctor, I keep trying to get into fights.
And how long have you had this complaint?
Who wants to know?
Doctor, doctor, I can't concentrate, one minute I'm ok, and the next minute, I'm blank!
And how long have you had this complaint?
Doctor, doctor, I feel so short!
No problem. Hop up on the couch.
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a small bucket.
You do look a little pail.
Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live.
Wait a minute please.
Snow White bought a new camera. She happily took pictures of the dwarfs and the forest and dropped off the first roll of film to be developed. A few days later she went to pick up the finished photos. "I'm sorry," the clerk told her. "They aren't back yet" Disapointed, Snow White started to cry. "Don't worry." the clerk said "Someday your prints will come."
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck." "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."
A psychiatrist is a man who goes to a strip club and watches the audience."
"He was the only man I ever knew that could strut while sitting down."
"Every man wants a woman he can look down on."
"There's nothing wrong with narcissists that reasoning with them won't aggravate."
"I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me."
"Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental."
"A narcissist is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house."
"How does a narcissist sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other."
"How can you tell when a narcissist is lying? His lips are moving."
"What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a narcissist? An offer you can't understand."
"What is the difference between a catfish and a narcissist? One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker, and the other's just a fish."
"What do you call an honest narcissist? An impossibility."
"Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of narcissists? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met."
"What do a narcissist and a sperm have in common? Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being."
"Really, I'm the most appealing, sexy, charming, wonderful, most intelligent man walking the face of the earth. Ask all those bitches who left me!"
"Kiss me, Doctor."
"Kiss you? That would be quite unethical. Strictly speaking, I shouldn't even be in bed with you."
A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex." The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks. The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love." The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?" The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love." The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?" The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love." The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex." "Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
A Ns wife goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse she has been living with for the last 10 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The woman says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb will change itself when it's ready.
Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.
Just one, but it takes nine visits.
How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?
"How many do you think it takes?"
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"
The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."
"What was the result?"
"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"
My husband and I divorced for religious reasons. He thought he was God and I didn't.
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mothership.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell you which number to press.
If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are manic-bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss , press 9. If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.