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Title: Do you tell a person with this disorder they have it?
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PeggyJean
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Posts: 1

(Date Posted:01/29/2010 12:25 AM)

Hi All!

This is my first post.  I feel so fortunate to have found this site!

I've had a long-term problem going on in my family.  It's about mom.  She's had horrible emotional health problems for many years, but only a few years ago did it finally hit me that she has narcissistic personality disorder.  She's in her 70s and it's been just incredible for my brother and I who are trying to take care of her--like children are supposed to do when their parents grow older. 

Anyway, things are coming to a head with her and I have been contemplating just telling her what is wrong with her--the personality disorder.  I've looked all over on line and cannot find specific information on this subject.  I have an older relative who I share with and she is very familiar with the situation and also very much loves my mother, in spite of the disorder and the mistreatment that comes with it.  She has suggested that I talk to someone about how to broach the subject and/or break the news. 

It isn't pleasant to even think about doing this, but at the present time my mother is angry at me and will not speak to me.  It's going on about 1-1/2 years, ever since we moved her out of her house and into a senior apartment.  My brother has taken over her personal support.  She says that I have been "bad" but cannot specify what I have done (actually my brother and I know there really isn't any thing that I did that caused this). 

Does anyone have advice or know of a resource on how or if a person with this disorder should be told? 

I'd appreciate some help!!
Thanks for reading,
Peggy
usertype:6
preluki
1# 



Posts:1

RE:Do you tell a person with this disorder they have it?
(Date Posted:02/06/2010 2:41 PM)

As far as  know, the NPD, can and never admit he/she is a NPD. I have tried with my brother and he feels he has no problems. He actually thinks I am the one with the problem
usertype:6 tt= 0
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blueguitargirl
2# 



Posts:2

Re:Do you tell a person with this disorder they have it?
(Date Posted:04/17/2010 11:56 PM)

I've been living with a man for almost a year who has NPD...or at least we are pretty sure of it. Mine DOES admit srprsingly that he has it, and has sought help, going to therapy. He's been diagnosed bi-polar, deression and ADHD. The psychiatrist seems unwiling to tag him with NPD. He meets all the criteria, and living with him is getting harder and harder. He has researched NPD, but sometimes I think it is only to learn how to disguise it better. I just dont know anymore. Anyway, this is my first time here and i'm thankful to have found this site..
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LonesomeMesa
3# 



Posts:3

Re:Do you tell a person with this disorder they have it?
(Date Posted:04/28/2010 1:10 PM)

When I told my exNPD that the therapist said he had NPD he just yelled louder (that makes it right, right?) that I was the one with it.  Shouldn't have told him 'cause it just gave him something to seem "smart" about to whoever was listening to him at the time.  They don't care...it's you that is the problem, not them, not ever.  Besides, if they have NPD it's probably somehow your fault....that's the way they think.

Mesa
usertype:6 tt= 0
Sankaku
4# 



Posts:5

Re:Do you tell a person with this disorder they have it?
(Date Posted:05/18/2010 9:48 PM)

 I'm confused, If I have an N tendency and admit that I have, It invalidates true NPD. Then again, If I know about that already how sure am I that I am sincere about admitting to have it since I can't even trust my own judgment?
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Phoebsy
5# 



Posts:2

Re:Do you tell a person with this disorder they have it?
(Date Posted:10/29/2010 7:51 AM)

 I would say no. A true N will react with narcissistic rage to any real or imagined criticism or disagreement. If you don't want the abuse, it's best not to tell her. Besides, she will not think she is the problem if she is truly narcissistic and will not accept the diagnosis. She will think that you or others are the problem. I quake in my boots at the thought of telling the N person in my life that I think she has a personality disorder, because I know how she reacts to lesser perceived slights (such as my wanting to take my doctor's suggestion over hers as to how to treat an infection).

You might like to tell the therapist what you think though.


(Message edited by Phoebsy On 10/29/2010 7:57 AM)
usertype:6 tt= 0
Siouxie
6# 



Posts:1

Re:Do you tell a person with this disorder they have it?
(Date Posted:12/14/2010 1:59 PM)

The earlier posts said it. The person with NPD will not/cannot recognise the traits in themselves. If you tell them you think they have NPD they are likely to deny it or say the issues are yours not theirs.
Even though my husband listened to a voicemail he sent me and although he said what he said to me in it was nasty and illogical, at the time, weeks later it was if it had never happened. He can erase memories and rewrite conversations.
My husband has been for some therapy, but he just used it to turn it around and the therapist told him (or so he says) it was all my fault he had problems.
So, bear in mind, if you tell the person you suspect they have NPD prepare yourself for a barrage.
Getting yourself some therapy or support is likely to be more productive.
usertype:6 tt= 0
femfree
7# 



Posts:486

RE:Do you tell a person with this disorder they have it?
(Date Posted:12/16/2010 9:48 AM)

Hi. Tell the abusive person they have a mental personality disorder? 

A big no no! 

1. Firstly, doing so may be an abusive act towards them. They have a disorder they didn't ask for.
2. Secondly, we aren't qualified to do that - only a diagnostically trained mental health professional is qualified.
3. If this person is treating you badly, then protect yourself and learn to say no to stop the abuse.

Blunt?  You bet, But that's the deal If you are being abused then it's up to you to stop it. 

This site gives you the tools to handle verbal abuse and the tools to recognize it.

Abusive tactics such as hoovering, gaslighting, projection etc:
http://narcissisticpersonalitydisorder.aimoo.com/Abusive-Tactics-and-N-P-Defences-Read-Only-1-42692

Coping Toolkits.
http://narcissisticpersonalitydisorder.aimoo.com/THE-TARGET-Healing-Survival-Tactics-Read-Only-1-41851

You wrote...

Even though my husband listened to a voicemail he sent me and although he said what he said to me in it was nasty and illogical, at the time, weeks later it was if it had never happened. He can erase memories and rewrite conversations.
My husband has been for some therapy, but he just used it to turn it around and the therapist told him (or so he says) it was all my fault he had problems.

That is very typical of the personality disordered. It's out and out abusive behaviour towards you.
Now. take that message and dissect it word for word. Did it contain any actual questions that you could respond to or was it just a bunch of nonsense and abusive accusations or statements?  In that case, just hit the delete button and don't respond. Only respond to actual questions.

Once we dissect and analyze abusive behaviours the answer to managing the abuse is  the very clear and very easy. 

The big problem is that most victims fall into a particularly nasty category. They have put themselves into a position of being financially or emotionally dependent on the abuser or they engage in verbal ping pong responding to abusive behaviour. They 'take the bait' easily.

I know that's blunt. That's the way  I am.

The fun part is now yours. Once your abuser starts up let him wind down and then just say 'hmmm interesting' do you have a question for me?  Now emjoy the show as you watch them ricochet around trying to avoid asking an actual question where you might actually say no to them. Or they might start firing abusive questions that you can say "I need you to email me with this." They usually don't do so because then their abuse is exposed.

Dont give them the satisfaction of winning in the verbal department.

It's that easy.


Best and Cheers for a Merry Christmas
femfree











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usertype:1 tt= 0

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"Why does he treat me so bad? Then it hit me - why was I allowing it?"

noteasy
8# 



Posts:1

Reply To Phoebsy
(Date Posted:12/21/2010 1:40 AM)

Reply to Phoebsy (10/29/2010 07:51 AM)

 I quake in my boots at the thought of telling the N person in my life that I think she has a personality disorder, because I know how she reacts to lesser perceived slights (such as my wanting to take my doctor's suggestion over hers as to how to treat an infection).

You might like to tell the therapist what you think though.

Oh my-- this made me laugh!!  I too have committed this major transgression before-- of choosing to follow the medical advice of my doctor over that of my (npd) husband!! 

Of course, its not really funny-- but it does make me feel less alone to know that someone else has lived through similar crazy moments!
usertype:6 tt= 0
quackedout
9# 



Posts:1

Re:Do you tell a person with this disorder they have it?
(Date Posted:05/12/2011 8:35 PM)

Unfortunatly,when I told my mother she had NPD,she exploded to say the least!I later learned through my sister that she asked her son the "golden child"/our brother what NPD was and he told her it meant she was a sexual deviate!!She screamed she was not THAT!!!No,dont ever tell them.She probably thinks I have the condition and will add it to her smear campaigne.(she told me ever since I was a child that I was mental like my nanna-who she also hated)It is a big mistake because it arms them with another weapon against you!I have had no contact since then(2yrs ago) and its probably just as well!!
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